1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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