You're completely useless in the revolution.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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