Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
