There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
