I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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