he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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