great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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