but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
