Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
