I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
