I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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