I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
