I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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