I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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