On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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