u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
