Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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