I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.