i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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