3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How does one acquire holy water?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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