The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
