Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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