Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
