Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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