Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
