My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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