If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
