I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
