Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
