i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
