Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
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It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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