I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
