I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
