I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
