i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
