So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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