Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
