I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
