All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
