Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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