I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
