Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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