There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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