he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
