fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
