Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
