I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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