dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
