Who did Billy Mays play for?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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