She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
