At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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