Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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